cases / 02 WS-SYD-2026-0052
filed from sydney status: active
GUILTY is a non-alcoholic soda. This is a file on someone who drank one — for no reason at all.
primary charge — enjoyment, premeditated and unearned.

there was no protocol for what she did next.

Her morning is a production, and she's good at it. 5:30, no snooze. Lemon water, three gratitudes, matcha whisked to spec. Cold plunge, Pilates, the Stanley cup full by seven — and forty thousand people watching her do it. Every minute accounted for. Nothing she drinks is there just because she likes it. Which is a great deal of discipline to spend on never once enjoying yourself.

Then, Tuesday, 06:12 — she turns the alarm off and does nothing at all.

the incident. No lemon water. No matcha. No filming. She slides down onto the kitchen floor, opens the fridge, and drinks a cola. Cold, sweet, spiced, gloriously pointless. There's no shelf for it in the supplement drawer and no reason for it she could defend to anyone. She drinks it anyway, because she wanted to — which, as far as we're concerned, is the only reason that's ever mattered.

It's the least optimised thing she's done in a year, and she'd sooner die than post it — ten minutes with no content in them, on the floor at dawn, with a drink she can't justify. She says it was the best part of her week. We believe her.

By her own scoring the morning was a write-off: nothing tracked, nothing gained, nothing to show for it. By ours, she finally had a good one. Keep the routine if it's yours — just don't forget it was supposed to be for you.

wellness state — verdict
enjoyment, premeditated and unearned.
house of guilty — reply
nothing to add. drink the second one on the floor too.
contraband — Cola Vice
No adaptogens. No morning routine. No excuse. Spiced cola, and that’s the offence.
The First Offence — a six-can sampler. All three flavours, two of each. $45.
more from this issue issue no. 01
case 01 — WS-MELB-2026-0051
the optimiser
she drank it because she wanted to. that was the whole crime.
case 03 — WS-BNE-2026-0053
the tracker
the rings did not close. nothing happened.
case 00
the confession
yes. we’d do it again.