exhibit 01
Q.Who are we?
A.The defendant.
exhibit 02
Q.What is our mission?
A.The defendant does not have a mission statement. The defendant has attempted to write one. Each attempt has resulted in a sentence the defendant could not look at without cringing.
exhibit 03
Q.What are our values?
A.The defendant's values are a private matter between the defendant and its accountant. The accountant has expressed concerns.
exhibit 04
Q.What makes us different?
A.Several things, none of which the defendant can in good faith attribute to the product itself. The product is soda.
exhibit 05
Q.Are we a lifestyle brand?
A.No. The defendant produces a beverage. The defendant has been mistaken for a lifestyle brand by people who have not yet purchased the product.
exhibit 06
Q.Who is the customer?
A.The defendant has reviewed the available persona literature and identified the following candidate descriptions: aspirational urban professional, sober-curious early adopter, mindful indulgence consumer, considered hedonist. The defendant did not write any of these. The defendant declines to confirm which, if any, are accurate.
exhibit 07
Q.What's our story?
A.The defendant has reviewed competitor "story" sections and identified the following recurring elements: a kitchen, a problem that demanded solving, a journey of discovery by two best mates, a moment of clarity (often involving travel), and humble origin. The defendant has lived a version of most of these things. The defendant declines to package them for retail.
exhibit 08
Q.Are we sustainable?
A.The sustainability genre relies on carbon offset credits, and marketing consumption as virtue. Neither addresses the problem. The only genuinely sustainable position is to consume less. The defendant agrees. The defendant also acknowledges that they sell soda.
exhibit 09
Q.What is our promise to customers?
A.The defendant makes no promises.
exhibit 10
Q.What does community mean to the brand?
A.The defendant maintains a mailing list. The defendant has noticed this is now called a community. Communities, historically, required participants to be in the same room. The defendant has no comment on the development.
exhibit 11
Q.Why does this FAQ exist?
A.The defendant has reviewed the FAQ as a corporate genre and identified its principal functions: search engine optimisation, the deflection of customer service queries, and the performance of openness without the practice of it. The defendant has elected to participate in the format and decline the functions.
exhibit 12
Q.Anything else you'd like to add?
A.No.