file 04 — the first offence
limited release 1,000 samplers · no restock

the first offence.

Six cans. Three exhibits. One inexcusably large fridge ciggie. Direct from the defendants.

The First Offence sampler — open cigarette-pack mailer in white and Guilty Orange, with three 250ml cans of Citrus Confessional, Bitter Justice, and Cola Vice visible inside, and a vertical 'warning' callout on the side panel.
exhibit A the package

There are easier ways to acquire a non-alcoholic drink. The green juice that judges you. The $20 sparkling water the waiter brings without asking. Neither ships in a cigarette-pack mailer. Neither arrives direct from the defendants — with a receipt marked Exhibit A.

The First Offence is dysfunctional soda. Says so on the box. No adaptogens, no nootropics, no claims on your inflammation. Three sodas, six cans, one box. After a thousand of these, the table goes back to ordering water.

exhibit B the contents
The First Offence sampler box, closed front view — white card stock, black panel reading 'soda causes dangerous thoughts about enjoyment', GUILTY oval wordmark in orange, base text 'dysfunctional soda'.

declared contents

SKU citrus confessional — lemon / yuzu × 2
SKU bitter justice — blood orange / ginger × 2
SKU cola vice — spiced cola × 2
format 250ml slim can — aluminium
mailer fridge ciggie — cigarette-pack format
origin made in australia
declared total 6 × 250ml
Top-down close-up of The First Offence box detail — embossed GUILTY oval wordmark on Guilty Orange card stock, debossed print finish.
detail · embossed oval on guilty orange · card stock
exhibit C the filing

Warning: soda causes dangerous thoughts about enjoyment. No pleasurable sodas permitted in this area. Both printed on the box — and the only fiction here. The First Offence is real. One thousand samplers, no restock. Take possession, don’t be thirsty.

— the defendants

declared value
$45
aud · per sampler · ships nationwide · freight on the defendants.
status in circulation 1,000 samplers · no restock
quantity
1
take possession — $45