file 04 — the first offence
limited release 1,000 units · no restock

the first offence.

Six cans. Three exhibits. One inexcusably large cigarette-pack mailer. Direct from the defendants.

The First Offence sampler — open cigarette-pack mailer in white and Guilty Orange, with three 250ml cans of Citrus Confessional, Bitter Justice, and Cola Vice visible inside, and a vertical 'warning' callout on the side panel.
exhibit A the package

There are easier ways to acquire a non-alcoholic drink. The green juice that judges you. The $20 sparkling water the waiter brings without asking. Neither ships in a cigarette-pack mailer. Neither arrives direct from the defendants — with a receipt marked Exhibit A.

The First Offence is dysfunctional soda. Says so on the box. No adaptogens, no nootropics, no claims on your inflammation. Three sodas, six cans, one box. After a thousand of these, the table goes back to ordering water.

exhibit B the contents
The First Offence sampler box, closed front view — white card stock, black panel reading 'soda causes dangerous thoughts about enjoyment', GUILTY oval wordmark in orange, base text 'dysfunctional soda'.

declared contents

SKU citrus confessional — lemon / yuzu × 2
SKU bitter justice — blood orange / ginger × 2
SKU cola vice — spiced cola × 2
format 250ml slim can — aluminium
mailer fridge cig — cigarette-pack format
origin made in australia
declared total 6 × 250ml
wellness state seal
register no. ws-package-warn-001 date filed · package canon status · printed

warning · printed on the box

  • possession of this product may constitute a breach of wellness state guidelines.
  • use of this product may result in anti-wellness behaviours.
  • soda causes dangerous thoughts about enjoyment.
  • in compliance with rule 13.2 of the wellness state, no pleasurable sodas are permitted in this area.

The Wellness State does not approve the use of Guilty, or any soda product. Its consumption is considered a potential catalyst for anti-wellness behaviours, including: independent thought not aligned with Wellness State-approved influence; preference for common, traceable ingredients; dependency on flavour-forward products; and the unregulated promotion of joy.

If Guilty is observed or offered within designated Wellness Zones, the incident must be reported immediately to a Wellness State officer.

on file · authorised by the bureau · do not remove
Top-down close-up of The First Offence box detail — embossed GUILTY oval wordmark on Guilty Orange card stock, debossed print finish.
detail · embossed oval on guilty orange · card stock
exhibit C the filing

schedule a — subscription tiers · under review

01 quarterly reminder — $45/quarter. Printed notice of prior consumption. No product dispatched. Notice may be ignored.

02 standing surveillance — $120/year. Annual fridge audit by post. Replenishment subject to confirmed consumption.

03 lifetime custody — $2,400. All future beverage decisions surrendered. Cancellation requires two witnesses and a stamped affidavit.

The above is fictional. The First Offence is real. Released 30 June 2026. One thousand units, no restock. Register your intent below — when the file closes, you will be thirsty.

— the defendants

declared value
$65
aud · per sampler · ships nationwide · freight on the defendants.
release date 30 June 2026 registration open · 1,000 units · no restock

one notice, on the 30th. no further correspondence. the register exceeds the supply.